Time Goes By

As Shelly and I wind down a time of transition and prepare to start a new life I can't help but to reflect on what the last six years have looked like. Wow!!

When I first showed up in Christiansburg in 2004 I was a mess. (I have yet to hear of a birth that wasn't messy). I had literally just came from psych row at Lewis Gale in Salem, judge had pretty much said he was tired of seeing me, put my truck into a ditch late one Saturday - got a free set of matching bracelets and an all expense paid trip to the NRV Correction Center for that night, and I was ramping up the suicide attempts. But where sin abounds grace abounds all the more.

I received a call from a lady at church asking for my roommate. Explained that she wasn't home and indeed I would not be visiting their church anytime soon. A few weeks later I would meet that lady and be introduced to her small group leaders - Curt and Sherry - who to this day are still my spiritual parents. The fateful Sunday I made the trip to Christiansburg from Wytheville I had no idea what was going on. With my grandfather being a Pentecostal preacher I ran as far away from church as I could when I left for the military. (no matter where you go God is always there) I was making this trip to pick up ladies. Little did I know that God was waiting on me in one of the best ambushes I have ever saw. I liked what I saw in the church and decided that I would come back. My third or fourth Sunday I sat next to a lady that was instrumental in filling me with the Word. Sue Hash (one of those prayer warriors that prays so much satan gets terrified) kept telling me to follow my heart."Listen to your heart," she kept saying.

Finally I gave up and ran to the front during the alter call. What did I have to lose? I had already shot myself (bullet never left the chamber), over dosed - twice(over 50 pills and did not fall asleep), was drinking and drugging, and personally requested a physical confrontation with God daily(I was physically going to whip a spiritual being - funny now but not so much then). I was miserable. Sex daily was not working, alcohol and drugs daily was not working, sports daily was not working, eating was not working there was no more options on the table. But God.

After that Sunday my life changed. There was a release of the Spirit that was calling out Abba Father. All of a sudden this guy who was notorious for being calloused and hardened from life was crying and worshiping in the quiet of his home not fully understanding what was happening. This same guy that would just begin praying in another language weeping and again not sure what the heck was going on. Yep that was the guy who moved to Christiansburg in 2004 after being saved for a whopping three months.

The last part of history before the move to Christiansburg was the fact that I had gotten saved in August and then was shipped out with my Army Reserve Unit for Iraq. We gathered at Ft. Dix New Jersey and I had been saved less then a month at this point. I missed Curt and Sherry and my church family. See, I was struggling in the Christian walk without others around me I was a babe in the woods and the wolves were prowling. Once I arrived at Ft. Dix I began to pray. Nightly I would walk to the pond there on post and pray much like Jesus did at the Garden of Gethsemane. I would pray so hard that I would sweat in forty degree weather. For some reason I was led to end my prayers the same way, "Not my will but Yours be done." Long story short I was released without being deployed and came back to Wytheville until I moved.

After arriving back from New Jersey Shelly entered my life. My whole paradigm of dating changed. What was the goal of dating if it was not to sleep with the person? How do you date with no sexual tension? Oh yeah life had shifted for me. Fortunately Curt and Sherry were there to answer those questions and so much more.

December 2004 I moved to 108 S. Franklin in Christiansburg. I was so happy to be near family that I slept on the floor the first few weeks. I had found a home and had no concept of what my future really was going to look like. At this time I began to hear and see things that I could not understand. Curt had to introduce me to the prophetic ministry that was on the inside of me. I thought everyone was hearing what I heard. I soon found out that was not the case.

After moving I spent at least five days and sometimes seven at Curt and Sherry's house. A pattern that God established in my life was children. (I have difficulty moving separation anxiety is only supposed to happen in children but I go through it even now. For example I could be moving to Tobago (my dream retirement community) and I would have to deal with paralyzing anxiety) Curt and Sherry had four of them and I become a fixture shuttling to sporting events, pool, movies, and basketball (not ashamed to say Alyn can out run AND dribble circles around me also thanks Joe for taking it easy on me) Those children ministered to me more than any Sunday sermon. When Curt sat me down during my first year and explained to me that I would need to stop drinking or he would have to keep his children away from me it hit home better than any 12 step program.

Drinking? Yep my first year I was a mess. Praise and prophesy Sunday. Drunk Tuesday. So what happened? How did I cope with the stress and anxiety of life before Christ? Over 20 years of continous repetition a pattern (barring God's grace and intervention which is possible) is not going to magically disappear. I had to learn some things. First I needed to know who I was. Then I needed to know the love of the Father. Curt and Sherry poured into my life during an intense ministry training session known as life.

Some of the things that happened during that time included:
-Breakfast Ball a community outreach to bring area children (generally lower income families) to the church, feed them, love on them, tell about Jesus, and then send them home with some food for the week this was significant because the Carr home group was one of the few (I did not really realize this at the time) people that spent time with these people during the week. We were a main stay in their lives and that was normal to me (also formed a basis of ministry for me)
-There is indeed politics in church. This was another sad day for me. I have issues with politics. It marred my military career because I do not like to play nice games. If I have something to say let me say it and then let us move on. I had taken an identity of the guy that doesn't play politics. Curtis was able to show me that it doesn't have to be a bad thing. The one incident that really stood out was the day that I was going to beat the Youth Pastor and Head Pastor to a bloody pulp. I could feel tension in the office and had witnessed some actions that I deemed not right (judgment led to bitterness which can lead to death I have prayed through this). With the 101st Airborne we had an open pit policy. If you had an issue with someone settle it in the pit. Either use the pugals or boxing gloves but the issue stays in the pit. That is a great idea for a combat unit but not necessarily a good idea for church leadership.
-Marriage Counseling for a year we lived with Curt and Sherry. I saw everything. From bad days at work, to finance issues, to the kids forgetting their upbringing to extreme events like a church split (yep went through one of those too) I watched as a man and woman in right relationship with God overcame everything that could be thrown at them in 24 hours. How do I know that it was a right relationship with God? The fruit identifies the tree. I saw and learned so much from Curtis during that time and I am still applying those lessons each day. Prayer and worship are powerful weapons. A lot of times we forget worship.
-Authority was another area that Curtis did a great job with me. I sensed something spiritually was happening in the church (remember the split I spoke of earlier?) Curtis very well could have shifted my focus to Sherry and himself (I still think that Curtis might have sensed something was coming but I will never know for sure and that is okay) but he did not. He could have tore the pastor down and I would have jumped right in. He didn't He focused us on Jesus. Curtis I just can't say how much that single lesson shaped who I am. If I am in the church and this is where God has placed me I have learned to walk out whatever difficulties come. Some say I am loyal. I say that I am just obedient to the calling of God on my life. And Curtis Carr is where I learned that lesson. When all hell is breaking loose turn inward to God.
-I could keep going but relationships is where I will bring this little section to a close. For all the strength Curtis showed Sherry showed my something else. Relationships built on trust. If I had to go through half of what that woman has been through I don't know how relational I would be. But God. Sherry makes every person she meets and speaks with feel like they are the most important person in her life. She listens, and as I learned quickly, she watches. Everything. I have watched her have one of the worse days that would rival a bad day in Kosovo and then turn right around, go pray, and then open her home up to people that needed the Jesus in her. She would cook and pray and love on people.I have watched her open her home to people that we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt were slandering her.Sherry would invite them into her home anyway. The funny thing is I never once saw God not do a powerful work in that person's life before leaving the house. So if people ask where I got the same concept from it is easy to tell them that part of me came from my momma.

As much as Curt and Sherry taught me how to thrive in church leadership (it really is simple love the people) Rick Sizemore would come along and minister into my life who I am in Christ.

Shelly and I were married in November 2005. Upon returning from our honeymoon Curt and Sherry had us over to discuss some things. I knew something was going on. God had spoken that He had given me rest from my enemies and that word was confirmed. We sat down with them to learn that Sherry was leaving her post as the Pastor's Secretary and that they might be leaving the church. We were told for a couple of reasons. Curt said first and foremost he didn't want me walking through the church taking out the leadership when I couldn't find her and second so Shelly and I could begin praying to see what God was doing in our lives. In 2006 I moved along Curt and Sherry as we planted River of Life. I saw a need for a youth pastor and stepped into that role. (another great lesson I needed to and was directed to pray but I assumed a role that was not meant for me) It was hard. Shelly was not with me. She had heard that a guy who did campus ministry at Va Tech when she was a student now had a church in Christiansburg and she tried it out and loved it.

Shelly, as she is want to do, heard something from God and invited Rick and Paula over to our house for dinner. I did not care. I was not going to like the man. I was starving spiritually. I was in a position I should not have been, my wife was not with me, and I was going to make it work. Summary: I was miserable.

Rick came to the house and the next thing I know this dude is stretched out on the chaise lounge and talking about baseball. There was something about him. Long story short I was captivated by the stories he told of dealing Jesus in places like Cuba, went to a Dwelling Place Encounter, and then asked for a release from River of Life. This was most difficult for me but I felt this was where God was taking me and He was taking my family. Dwelling Place was a change of pace for me as I was used to being one of the few prophets in the church's previous. In DP everyone prophesies. There goes my identity. One of the things that Rick did over the years was take me out of a leadership position. There goes identity again. The goal was for me to be a son of God. Without performance measures.

Over the years I have had the opportunity to travel with Rick and have the foundation of DP reiterated. One place that Shelly and I went to was Smith Mountain Lake. After the Strongholds Conference we traveled down to Lyons GA with him. That is when I informed Rick that we felt called to SML. Rick felt like the timing was wrong (and he was correct). After that meeting I went into a dismal depression. My identity was gone (so I thought), I was sitting in a church that was driving me bonkers (judgment I saw so much talent ministry wise that I thought was being wasted and "leadership is letting it go to waste" sounds like a timing issue). Probably the lowest point came at the fall encounter 2009.

I had the opportunity to work for some guys from church. They vouched for me and got me into this really cool job working as a Web Application Developer. Big money. Big time pressure. Long story short loss the job and was never given a heads up. (I was not ready for that it really was like Balaam where I kept going back and pleading with God please give me a computer job so I don't have to frame houses - framing houses doesn't seem so bad now) After being terminated I left. I was mad. Identity was gone again. The foster child that we had kept during that time was gone also. I was, indeed, a failure. For over five months I shut down and became an introvert. The last hurdle I had was letting Shelly go. If I could just do that I could pull the trigger one last time and see if the bullet flew through my head. I felt certain it would.

Satan is the father of lies. At this time I was worthless, I was no good, I never would be anything, Shelly would be better off without me. Why don't I just kill myself and be done with it. Rick is tired of baby sitting you, Mitch has too much on his plate stop being a burden to people and just die. But God. (remember I am dealing with all of this when I had been in DP for a while at this point so I had heard truth but see the schemes of the enemy at work here? if he can cut you off from the Body he can kill you I am not using a scare tactic - not my style the enemy comes to KILL, steal, and destroy and roams around like a lion seeing who he can devour is he going after a pack or the one floating out on his own island?)

Fall encounter 2009 I showed up at the last minute. I knew that physically I was dead if I did not go. I showed up mad and stayed that way for a while. Saturday night I was dragged out of the service because of a "goodbye" note I left on Facebook. We fought and wrestled a little. Mitch explained that I needed to let go of the bitterness and let God heal me but I had the choice. We sat there for almost 45 minutes before I could pray through it. I saw Satan pulling my heart out of my chest and it was almost complete and then Jesus came through and took it back. It was a violent tug of war and I was almost pulling for the darkness. Long story short I prayed through the bitterness and received healing.

Three months later after that violent encounter I reported to Mitch that I would not be coming back to church. I was done. I ended up in a meeting with Rick and Mitch in March of this year. I explained that I was done. Here was what was happening.
-For some unknown reason DP C'burg was almost dead to me (not in a negative sense as I explained to Rick I saw a huge, massive fruit tree in Christiansburg sanctuary but I was not allowed to eat of the fruit)
-Every single spirit that walked into the building I was feeling. If someone was depressed I was became depressed, if someone was happy so was I, so I had over 400 spirits/emotions crawling all over me Sunday's sucked (I have since repented and have educated myself concerning this and have even asked God to bless me with a chance to do it again now that I understand Rick and Mitch both said intercede for each spirit - rebellion because I didn't but again have prayed through that issue)

Rick was perplexed because I was not bitter or rebellious I was just confused and lost. He said it is like trying to find car keys we needed to go back to the last place we had them and then he asked when was the last time I was happy? Smith Mountain Lake. Rick asked Shelly and I to go back there and see what God was doing and here we are.

After three years I am much stronger and better able to serve the body in SML. Three years ago would have been a fiasco. There is security in authority. So what is God doing? Not too sure all I know is that we are now a part of DP Lake and we are going to continue to seek the Father's heart first because really isn't that what it is all about? Relationship with Jesus will reveal the Father's heart in my life.

It has been a crazy five years. We have indeed seen our shares of ups and downs. The things I know moving forward are God is for me not against, Jesus is more real than the air I breathe, and He is NEVER giving up on me.