All In?

Having spent time in Vegas All In can mean a couple of things. Either you have a great hand or you want people to think that you do. You push all of your earnings into the center of the table and await the last cards to be shown from the dealer.

It is really blind faith. You are either going home or gaining a lot of chips. if nothing else it can be a rush.

Here in the real world all in takes on a different meaning. The last few days I have been brought to a place of having to decide what direction my life was going to take. As Wheeler would say it sure was easy being a son. Now the big boy pants are on life gets more difficult.

I realized Monday that choosing to accept lies and lay down the gifting that I had I had hurt people that I loved. That frustrated me. It upped the ante so to speak.

Then Tuesday and Wednesday my life went all to hell. There was no trigger. No bad meetings. No drama. Nope. The bottom just fell out of my life.

This morning as I was praying I heard the Lord say All In. The question was posed would I rather create my own breakthrough for my family or would I rather turn it over to God and let Him finish the work that He has started. Interesting proposition.

On one hand it sure would be nice to be working and providing the finer things for my family like say a house. But on the other hand I had to step back and look at how God has positioned Shelly and I and the impact we were already having on the Body here at the Lake. It was decision time. Was I going to hold my meager stack of chips or was I going to push them all to the middle of the table?

The decision was made. God had brought us this far He isn't going to stop the work that He has began so all the chips are now in the middle of the table and God is the dealer.

What will this decision look like 5 years from now? Don't know. I have told God that I would preach His Word all over the world and to pull back now just because my personal life is uncomfortable didn't seem right. Not when there are so many more hurting people out here that need the gifting that Shelly and I bring.

When it is all said and done I may not have much in way of earthly possessions but if this positions me for the Father's ministry and creates a place of character and integrity, living a life worthy of the calling, what else is there in this life?

Besides, I was created for such a time as this. Father I am in. All in. Not my will but Yours be done in my life.

Not my will but Yours be done

When I was in high school I got into a fight with another kid. I remember the details to this day. After I had hit him in the head a couple of times I knew the kid could not see anymore but he kept coming at me.

I remember it not because of the violence so much as for what my teacher, Mr. Dean, did during the fight. He wrapped his arm around my chest leaving my left hand free. I remember leaning back into his chest waiting should I have to fight some more.

I was reminded of that a few days ago because that seems like where I am at currently in my walk with God. I am leaning back into His chest. I have a hand free to fight if I need to but I am increasingly aware that I don't have to anymore. That is a nice thought for me and one that I hold onto.

I have been praying for some time now that not my will but God's be done in my life, in my marriage, and in my ministry as already haven been established in heaven.

How many people know it is one thing to pray something along those lines but it is a different story to walk it out?

Here is where I rest on the chest of Jesus, I have confidence that when all hell is breaking loose, when that job offer does not materialize, when Shel has put in her 50th hour of work and it is just Thursday I can rest and listen to the hearbeat of Jesus.

How is this possible? Simple I stand on the Word of God. All things work together for good who love God and to those who are called according to His purpose. (Rom 8:28) We know that we are called here in this time of our lives.

Intimacy. If Jesus continually went away to the mountain to pray and spend time with the Father shouldn't that be where my heart is?

This was a tough one for me because for the longest time I did this out of spirituality and or a spirit of religion. After prayer and fasting my priorities have changed drastically and I love being in the presence of the Father because that is where true ministry is derived.

Lastly when facing circumstances of the day or week I sometimes lose focus and I become concern with how I am to operate corporately in the Body and during those times of silence from those in authority over me or those times I discern that something is not right I have to go back to Jeremiah 29:11 and realize that God knows the plans for me. I have to understand that it does not matter what those in authority over me do or do not do they cannot stop the plan of God for my life.

When I realize this it leads back to intimacy. Time spent in the Father's presence is time well spent.

So when everything is coming against me I understand the prayers of a righteousness availeth much (James 5:16)

And while I am walking this out you know what I have found? When I am resting against the chest of Jesus, I don't hear nor fear the enemy.

What's in you?

Over the past few weeks our pastor has spoke at length about what is on the inside of us. Much like the Gatorade commercials where the athletes sweat comes out the color of the Gatorade that they have consumed we have the same thing that is going on. Daniel asked the hard question - how much of the world is in you? Difficult question if answered truthfully.

Along those same lines Rick uses a similar analogy of the sponge. If a sponge is dipped in clear clean water then when it is squeezed the water will be clean whereas if a sponge is dipped in Kool-Aid then the sponge, when squeezed, will be the color of the drink.

So what IS on the inside of you?

This one is difficult because it is a mature question. For a young believer there is a chance for a ton of condemnation to come in when a message like this is taught. Maybe there is a tendency for that person to "force" themselves to study and pray even though that is not what God is calling them to. They may well be in a phase of their lives that they need to be taking it slow.

As for me I kind of took it on the chin when I hear this message. There are some things that I enjoy. Those that know me know that I really enjoy my college football and don't mind to attend some games or maybe buy some Hokie gear.

The thing that I have to be careful of when Saturday's rolling around is what is God doing? Seriously. I have to understand what His plans are before I get started on Saturday's. If not I can see my marriage go haywire, condemnation can and will jump on me, or I might even get depressed.

So how do I handle/balance whether I am striving toward the goal of knowing Jesus and Him crucified? Several things play into this.

1) There are two things I cannot sacrifice (regardless of who Va Tech is playing) and that is my quiet time with Jesus and my wife. Sometimes these two go hand in hand other times no so much. I need to seek the heart of Jesus daily. It helps me to be the priest and prophet of my home. It also helps my wife, just ask her.
2) The fail safe in all of this is my heart. This helps with the condemnation.

Psalms 44:12
...For He knows the secrets of the heart.

and don't bother faking the funk
Psalms 94:11
The Lord knows the thoughts of man, That they are a mere breath

if I can guard my heart and not allow my identity be in the things that I am doing in this world then I am in a safe place.

for example
taking pride in the fact that I have tickets when thousands of other people would love to be there

thinking more highly of myself then I ought to
Romans 12:3
For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have a sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith

To bring it all back together and close up we are the King's kids. I am firmly convinced that we are not put here on earth to lead solitary dour lives. HOWEVER we must keep Jesus first in our lives even over our families. It really is that simple. My identity cannot be that I am a Hokie my identity is I am my Father's son who enjoys Va Tech sports.

The toughest part of the lesson I had to learn and walk through was giving it all back to the Father and letting Him restore a healthy appreciation for those worldly things in my life. When He asked for a television fast right in the middle of college football season I about lost my mind. Yet what I learned through that and what God was able to do was remove the worldly influence of my likes and restore a pureness to them.

I am still walking that out but I have gotten to the point now where most of the time my entire Saturday's aren't consumed by football and I can go shopping with my wife and not get into a fight because I am missing the "game". God had to do that work in my life and I had to be willing to go along with Him. And you know something? Those worldly things never advanced my life or the Kingdom anyway.

So what is in you? Do you have the desire to get rid of it and turn it over to God or do you want to hang onto it? If you get rid of it just know there is a ton of mercy and grace for ya.

See a banana split is the perfect dessert for me. Been eating them my whole life and could never imagine them getting any better. Then one day someone puts walnuts on my split and all of a sudden that thing that I loved has been improved and now I really love them.

Same thing with giving your passions and desires over to God. When my Father restores he does so with a gentleness and with love and the next thing you know that thing that could never get any better - well suddenly it is.

Short Brief about Worship

I won't go into detail about worship here. This is just a post of what I have been feeling the past six months.

When I spend time at A Place for the Heart during the annual Helser Men's Retreat I get filled to overflowing so that I can go and pour into other peoples lives. Freely I have received and freely I give. Here lately I have watched some things that have gotten me excited. I watch as guys like Josh Baldwin and Jonathan Helser redefine worship, I have watched young 20 year olds leave our church at Dwelling Place and head to places like Macedonia, Serbia, and Greece, and I watch the worship that is coming out of Bethel, Morning Star, A Place for the Heart, and even Dwelling Place and I get excited.

What I am seeing is a generation that knows how to worship and I see a generation that just wants Jesus. They want Him. We enjoy walking and talking with Him daily yes even moment to moment. This is a worship that is so pure that I often times see Jesus dancing waving banners during worship.

From the faithful prayers of those that have come before us I say thank you. We are indeed a generation that burns for Jesus. You have laid the foundation for us to go into another realm. Because of your faithful teachings and examples we did not have to start from the beginning. We burn for Jesus. Nothing else matters. Laying aside all earthly things and coming after the Way, the Truth, and the Life. We love you Jesus and we aren't satisfied with anything ordinary anymore.

As I was pondering this there was a thought that Jesus is coming back for His bride:

Revelation 19:7
Let us rejoice and be glad and give the glory to Him for the marriage of the Lamb has come and His bride has made herself ready.

Revelation 21:2
And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband

Revelation 21:9
Then one of the seven angels who had the seven bowls full of the seven last plagues cane and spoke with me saying "Come here, I will show you the bride, the wife of the Lamb

Revelation 22:7
The Spirit and the bride say "Come and let the one who hears say 'Come and let the one who is thirsty come let the one who wishes take the water of life without cost'"

We are getting ready for a wedding. I have spent time in worship and felt the flood of God's love just wreck me. My ideas, my theology, my circumstances were changed. Forever.

My thought in closing is this:
I have been in a place of worship with the Father where there was not earthly feeling that could equate to the euphoria that was felt in His presence. We have not even began to scratch the surface of intimacy compared to the glory that is going to be revealed when we come face to face with Him. And that realization is dawning on this generation that nothing else matters here on this earth. We just want to worship you Jesus.

Doubts Echo

Shel and I were talking the other night and the subject came up that if we were to file our taxes right now I have not cleared $3,000 for the year. Yes, that is three thousand I did not forget another zero.

This is a conversation that I have had with her as Shelly has usually been the bread winner for most of the past three years. There was a point where I was contributing to the cause in a substantial way but those have seemed to taper off.

Some things that I have walked through in this process are picking up verbal curses from times past, feeling of guilt and shame, depression and doubt.

The verbal curses have been around for some time. My grandfather often said that I would never make anything of my life, my ex-wife, after leaving me, told her mother that I was a worthless drunk and that I was lazy and would never amount to much.

Then take in to consideration the judgments that I made toward my dad who is a chicken farmer down in North Carolina - you know the "I am not going to be like my dad, I am going to get an education and secure a retirement for myself etc etc etc" add it all up and there were some curses and judgments that I needed to pray through.

Another thing that is happening in this season is walking out a word that has placed on the inside of me. Long story short I was able to hold a men's camp meeting where God had placed it on my heart that we needed to be working in the areas that God had placed it on our hearts to work and not where the world said we needed to be working.

An example of this was the decision that I made, based on a word from God with confirmation of scripture, to walk out of one of the highest paying manufacturing jobs in the New River Valley to begin building houses. I walked away taking a 50% pay cut. This freed more of my time up for ministry, family, and restored a peace that had been missing for some time.

If God knows the plans that He has for us shouldn't we be talking with Him to get the information of where we are supposed to be going to work?

So after speaking that to the men there came a testing phase that currently is in its third year for me personally. During this time I have framed houses, worked on the river, worked as a Technology Analyst for a DoD contractor, back to the river, and a manufacturing job just to keep the lights on.

The nights laying awake wondering where the money was going to come from, the echoes of doubt that I had made the wrong decision to leave the arsenal (the high paying manufacturing job) and the time that I placed my hope in a job (Technology Analyst) and the bitterness that ensued from the realization that I was not ready for that position have left me more mature. Most importantly this time has revealed to me the nature and character of who my heavenly Father is.

On a side note the job as a the Technology Analyst was a great position for me to learn. Not about the job but about me. For one the long days just trying to get up to speed to perform my job mixed with the stress of working in the clients office to make a good pay check showed me what the pursuit of money was going to cost. When the cards are on the table I am glad that I did not stay. I am not willing to put in 60+ hour weeks to be "successful". Leaves little quiet time and no family time and was not for me. Some people can handle it with ease. I am not one of those people.

The doubts resound through me. The depression creeps in. I made wrong decisions. I have spoken out against the ways of the world only to be tested. Yet this is what I have learned in the area of finances and jobs. A breakthrough does not mean I have that new job and a breakthrough does not mean that my finances are all taken care of. To me breakthrough is a fresh revelation and perspective on another aspect of my Father's love for me.

During this time I have learned that my Father is indeed gentle in His love for me. That was important because I was not allowing myself any mercy and grace during this time. Another concept that was revealed to me during this time is the fact that with the same measure that I judge myself is the same measure that the Father must judge me. So I am learning to give myself mercy and grace during this time and this season.

If I did mess things up SO WHAT? Romans 8:28

28And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Does that make things any easier when the doubt creeps back in? Nope. But I do take solace in 2 Samuel 22:

31 As for God His way is blameless; The word of the Lord is tested

or

29 For Thou art my lamp, O Lord; And the Lord illumines my darkness

and lastly

33 God is my strong fortress; And He sets the blameless in His way
34 He makes my feet like hinds feet And sets me on my high places
35 He trains my hands for battle So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze
36 Thou hast also given me the shield of Thy salvation And Thy help makes me great

The Father has a plan for me.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

And when those doubts echo I smile now. For I understand that it isn't about the world, it isn't about me, it is about what the Father is doing and where He is placing me. And that is a pretty safe place.

McClintock Family Update

Shelly and I are in a place that we just are overwhelmed. We have been loved on from day one and since the move it has gotten more intense. One of the things that I have noticed is the overwhelming majority of people are glad that we are here. I am truly a blessed man.

Spending some time with Shel before she left for work this morning we were enjoying the sunrise over the mountain and onto the lake. I mentioned to her and she was in agreement, we are truly blessed. So richly and truly blessed.

One of the big opportunities that has been afforded me during this time is relationships. I have free time (for now) and working diligently to spend time with people. But how do I do that? Love. Matthew 10:8 Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse the lepers; cast out demons, freely you received, freely give. This is where the motive of my heart needs to be shaped.

One of the things that God has shown me during this time has taken a shift in thinking for me. Gone are the days of routine quiet times. Checking the box. God has destroyed my religious traditions being here. He has placed it very strongly on my heart to stop and just enjoy His presence. Pretty sweet.

As for accepting the gifts that have been given this is a great teaching lesson. It is easier for me to give then it is for me to receive so people feeding me, giving me a place to live, etc is different. It has been a long road trying to get into a position to accept and not think that I can earn this. I can't. One of the things that God was showing me out on the water the other day was to enjoy what has been given. "This is an extension of My love and you can not earn this" Pretty heady stuff if you ask me. So I am trying to become a human being instead of a human doing.

As my heart is flooded with these blessings I have a strong desire to love on others. This is a circle of love. There is a process to my prayer being answered of wanting to see people as Jesus sees them. I am not yet perfected but I am getting there.

The most amazing thing that is happening here is the fact that I have been encouraged by several people, leaders and non-leaders alike to focus on my marriage. One of the things that I have always said in Christiansburg is for all my shortcomings my marriage was strong as Shel and I both work diligently to build it. But the interesting thing about being told about this is not the fact that I need to work on my marriage but the fact that I felt no pride and I was not defensive and I do not try to defend myself. I simply went back to pray and find out what is going on here. Of all the things to work on here I never would have guessed marriage.

I keep feeling (and time will definitely tell) that this is the start of being released for ministry. My quiet time is crazy good and there is a desire to spend time with Jesus. But love. Oh the love. Love. God is indeed love.

So in this season of our lives I am seeing fruit with Shel and in my personal relationship. God told me from day one before I had ever heard of DPCF that I needed to take care of myself(relationship with the Father, personal healing) and that He would take care of my marriage and those things that concern me. He told me that I had to place them in His hand. I am learning to do that.

1 Peter 5:6 Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, (that is part of the process of not being able to financially contribute to the housing situation etc)

humbling myself not allowing blame or the lies that I missed it to enter in the equation but to continue to seek the Father's heart and what He is saying about the situation but the key for us has been in verse 7:

casting all your anxiety upon Him, because He cares for you

God cares for me. The creator of heaven and earth cares for me. Wow!! That is some good news there!

So how have I been doing it? My prayer is simple based on that 1 Peter 5 verse and Matthew 11:28-30 Father I give you my finances, my marriage, my job search, everything that is weighing me down I give it to you and I pray let Your Kingdom come let Your will be done as already having been established in heaven.

That's it. Now I stand on God's word and heed the advice in 1 Peter 5:8

Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary the devil, prowls about like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour.

And when that interview doesn't lead to a job, and Shel is frustrated with me about something, or depression is coming at me in waves as I get nostalgic about Christiansburg, verse 9:

But resist him, firm in your faith, knowing that the same experience of suffering are bing accomplished by your brethren who are in the world.

and if I do that there is a promise attached to all of this, verse 10:

and after you have suffered for a little while, the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

I have to stand firm and know what I am called to do here at Smith Mountain Lake in this season. When things are looking bleak or I am entertaining the thoughts of closing down I resist and stand firm in the knowledge that faithful is the One who has called me. The exciting thing and the promise that I hold onto is that God himself is going to perfect me, confirm me, strengthen me, and establish me. I don't need my pastor or anyone else to do it God himself is going to. That settles the timing issue for me.

So in this time of our lives I get to: study and spend time with God, love on my wife and really get to know what makes her tick (after 5+ years I admit I have a lot to learn), love Ginny and Bob who I get the pleasure of being around every day, love on members of the Body here, and learn to just be? God knows what He is doing and I am so humbled and excited to be a part of it.

In closing as I second what Daniel said when he said;

Let the name of God be blessed forever and ever
For wisdom and power belong to Him.
And it is He who changes the times and the epochs;
He removes kings and establishes kings;
He gives wisdom to wise men, and knowledge to men of understanding.
It is He who reveals the profound and hidden things;
He knows what is in the darkness And the light dwells with Him
To Thee O God of my fathers I give thanks and praise.

Daniel 2:20-23

Time Goes By

As Shelly and I wind down a time of transition and prepare to start a new life I can't help but to reflect on what the last six years have looked like. Wow!!

When I first showed up in Christiansburg in 2004 I was a mess. (I have yet to hear of a birth that wasn't messy). I had literally just came from psych row at Lewis Gale in Salem, judge had pretty much said he was tired of seeing me, put my truck into a ditch late one Saturday - got a free set of matching bracelets and an all expense paid trip to the NRV Correction Center for that night, and I was ramping up the suicide attempts. But where sin abounds grace abounds all the more.

I received a call from a lady at church asking for my roommate. Explained that she wasn't home and indeed I would not be visiting their church anytime soon. A few weeks later I would meet that lady and be introduced to her small group leaders - Curt and Sherry - who to this day are still my spiritual parents. The fateful Sunday I made the trip to Christiansburg from Wytheville I had no idea what was going on. With my grandfather being a Pentecostal preacher I ran as far away from church as I could when I left for the military. (no matter where you go God is always there) I was making this trip to pick up ladies. Little did I know that God was waiting on me in one of the best ambushes I have ever saw. I liked what I saw in the church and decided that I would come back. My third or fourth Sunday I sat next to a lady that was instrumental in filling me with the Word. Sue Hash (one of those prayer warriors that prays so much satan gets terrified) kept telling me to follow my heart."Listen to your heart," she kept saying.

Finally I gave up and ran to the front during the alter call. What did I have to lose? I had already shot myself (bullet never left the chamber), over dosed - twice(over 50 pills and did not fall asleep), was drinking and drugging, and personally requested a physical confrontation with God daily(I was physically going to whip a spiritual being - funny now but not so much then). I was miserable. Sex daily was not working, alcohol and drugs daily was not working, sports daily was not working, eating was not working there was no more options on the table. But God.

After that Sunday my life changed. There was a release of the Spirit that was calling out Abba Father. All of a sudden this guy who was notorious for being calloused and hardened from life was crying and worshiping in the quiet of his home not fully understanding what was happening. This same guy that would just begin praying in another language weeping and again not sure what the heck was going on. Yep that was the guy who moved to Christiansburg in 2004 after being saved for a whopping three months.

The last part of history before the move to Christiansburg was the fact that I had gotten saved in August and then was shipped out with my Army Reserve Unit for Iraq. We gathered at Ft. Dix New Jersey and I had been saved less then a month at this point. I missed Curt and Sherry and my church family. See, I was struggling in the Christian walk without others around me I was a babe in the woods and the wolves were prowling. Once I arrived at Ft. Dix I began to pray. Nightly I would walk to the pond there on post and pray much like Jesus did at the Garden of Gethsemane. I would pray so hard that I would sweat in forty degree weather. For some reason I was led to end my prayers the same way, "Not my will but Yours be done." Long story short I was released without being deployed and came back to Wytheville until I moved.

After arriving back from New Jersey Shelly entered my life. My whole paradigm of dating changed. What was the goal of dating if it was not to sleep with the person? How do you date with no sexual tension? Oh yeah life had shifted for me. Fortunately Curt and Sherry were there to answer those questions and so much more.

December 2004 I moved to 108 S. Franklin in Christiansburg. I was so happy to be near family that I slept on the floor the first few weeks. I had found a home and had no concept of what my future really was going to look like. At this time I began to hear and see things that I could not understand. Curt had to introduce me to the prophetic ministry that was on the inside of me. I thought everyone was hearing what I heard. I soon found out that was not the case.

After moving I spent at least five days and sometimes seven at Curt and Sherry's house. A pattern that God established in my life was children. (I have difficulty moving separation anxiety is only supposed to happen in children but I go through it even now. For example I could be moving to Tobago (my dream retirement community) and I would have to deal with paralyzing anxiety) Curt and Sherry had four of them and I become a fixture shuttling to sporting events, pool, movies, and basketball (not ashamed to say Alyn can out run AND dribble circles around me also thanks Joe for taking it easy on me) Those children ministered to me more than any Sunday sermon. When Curt sat me down during my first year and explained to me that I would need to stop drinking or he would have to keep his children away from me it hit home better than any 12 step program.

Drinking? Yep my first year I was a mess. Praise and prophesy Sunday. Drunk Tuesday. So what happened? How did I cope with the stress and anxiety of life before Christ? Over 20 years of continous repetition a pattern (barring God's grace and intervention which is possible) is not going to magically disappear. I had to learn some things. First I needed to know who I was. Then I needed to know the love of the Father. Curt and Sherry poured into my life during an intense ministry training session known as life.

Some of the things that happened during that time included:
-Breakfast Ball a community outreach to bring area children (generally lower income families) to the church, feed them, love on them, tell about Jesus, and then send them home with some food for the week this was significant because the Carr home group was one of the few (I did not really realize this at the time) people that spent time with these people during the week. We were a main stay in their lives and that was normal to me (also formed a basis of ministry for me)
-There is indeed politics in church. This was another sad day for me. I have issues with politics. It marred my military career because I do not like to play nice games. If I have something to say let me say it and then let us move on. I had taken an identity of the guy that doesn't play politics. Curtis was able to show me that it doesn't have to be a bad thing. The one incident that really stood out was the day that I was going to beat the Youth Pastor and Head Pastor to a bloody pulp. I could feel tension in the office and had witnessed some actions that I deemed not right (judgment led to bitterness which can lead to death I have prayed through this). With the 101st Airborne we had an open pit policy. If you had an issue with someone settle it in the pit. Either use the pugals or boxing gloves but the issue stays in the pit. That is a great idea for a combat unit but not necessarily a good idea for church leadership.
-Marriage Counseling for a year we lived with Curt and Sherry. I saw everything. From bad days at work, to finance issues, to the kids forgetting their upbringing to extreme events like a church split (yep went through one of those too) I watched as a man and woman in right relationship with God overcame everything that could be thrown at them in 24 hours. How do I know that it was a right relationship with God? The fruit identifies the tree. I saw and learned so much from Curtis during that time and I am still applying those lessons each day. Prayer and worship are powerful weapons. A lot of times we forget worship.
-Authority was another area that Curtis did a great job with me. I sensed something spiritually was happening in the church (remember the split I spoke of earlier?) Curtis very well could have shifted my focus to Sherry and himself (I still think that Curtis might have sensed something was coming but I will never know for sure and that is okay) but he did not. He could have tore the pastor down and I would have jumped right in. He didn't He focused us on Jesus. Curtis I just can't say how much that single lesson shaped who I am. If I am in the church and this is where God has placed me I have learned to walk out whatever difficulties come. Some say I am loyal. I say that I am just obedient to the calling of God on my life. And Curtis Carr is where I learned that lesson. When all hell is breaking loose turn inward to God.
-I could keep going but relationships is where I will bring this little section to a close. For all the strength Curtis showed Sherry showed my something else. Relationships built on trust. If I had to go through half of what that woman has been through I don't know how relational I would be. But God. Sherry makes every person she meets and speaks with feel like they are the most important person in her life. She listens, and as I learned quickly, she watches. Everything. I have watched her have one of the worse days that would rival a bad day in Kosovo and then turn right around, go pray, and then open her home up to people that needed the Jesus in her. She would cook and pray and love on people.I have watched her open her home to people that we knew beyond a shadow of a doubt were slandering her.Sherry would invite them into her home anyway. The funny thing is I never once saw God not do a powerful work in that person's life before leaving the house. So if people ask where I got the same concept from it is easy to tell them that part of me came from my momma.

As much as Curt and Sherry taught me how to thrive in church leadership (it really is simple love the people) Rick Sizemore would come along and minister into my life who I am in Christ.

Shelly and I were married in November 2005. Upon returning from our honeymoon Curt and Sherry had us over to discuss some things. I knew something was going on. God had spoken that He had given me rest from my enemies and that word was confirmed. We sat down with them to learn that Sherry was leaving her post as the Pastor's Secretary and that they might be leaving the church. We were told for a couple of reasons. Curt said first and foremost he didn't want me walking through the church taking out the leadership when I couldn't find her and second so Shelly and I could begin praying to see what God was doing in our lives. In 2006 I moved along Curt and Sherry as we planted River of Life. I saw a need for a youth pastor and stepped into that role. (another great lesson I needed to and was directed to pray but I assumed a role that was not meant for me) It was hard. Shelly was not with me. She had heard that a guy who did campus ministry at Va Tech when she was a student now had a church in Christiansburg and she tried it out and loved it.

Shelly, as she is want to do, heard something from God and invited Rick and Paula over to our house for dinner. I did not care. I was not going to like the man. I was starving spiritually. I was in a position I should not have been, my wife was not with me, and I was going to make it work. Summary: I was miserable.

Rick came to the house and the next thing I know this dude is stretched out on the chaise lounge and talking about baseball. There was something about him. Long story short I was captivated by the stories he told of dealing Jesus in places like Cuba, went to a Dwelling Place Encounter, and then asked for a release from River of Life. This was most difficult for me but I felt this was where God was taking me and He was taking my family. Dwelling Place was a change of pace for me as I was used to being one of the few prophets in the church's previous. In DP everyone prophesies. There goes my identity. One of the things that Rick did over the years was take me out of a leadership position. There goes identity again. The goal was for me to be a son of God. Without performance measures.

Over the years I have had the opportunity to travel with Rick and have the foundation of DP reiterated. One place that Shelly and I went to was Smith Mountain Lake. After the Strongholds Conference we traveled down to Lyons GA with him. That is when I informed Rick that we felt called to SML. Rick felt like the timing was wrong (and he was correct). After that meeting I went into a dismal depression. My identity was gone (so I thought), I was sitting in a church that was driving me bonkers (judgment I saw so much talent ministry wise that I thought was being wasted and "leadership is letting it go to waste" sounds like a timing issue). Probably the lowest point came at the fall encounter 2009.

I had the opportunity to work for some guys from church. They vouched for me and got me into this really cool job working as a Web Application Developer. Big money. Big time pressure. Long story short loss the job and was never given a heads up. (I was not ready for that it really was like Balaam where I kept going back and pleading with God please give me a computer job so I don't have to frame houses - framing houses doesn't seem so bad now) After being terminated I left. I was mad. Identity was gone again. The foster child that we had kept during that time was gone also. I was, indeed, a failure. For over five months I shut down and became an introvert. The last hurdle I had was letting Shelly go. If I could just do that I could pull the trigger one last time and see if the bullet flew through my head. I felt certain it would.

Satan is the father of lies. At this time I was worthless, I was no good, I never would be anything, Shelly would be better off without me. Why don't I just kill myself and be done with it. Rick is tired of baby sitting you, Mitch has too much on his plate stop being a burden to people and just die. But God. (remember I am dealing with all of this when I had been in DP for a while at this point so I had heard truth but see the schemes of the enemy at work here? if he can cut you off from the Body he can kill you I am not using a scare tactic - not my style the enemy comes to KILL, steal, and destroy and roams around like a lion seeing who he can devour is he going after a pack or the one floating out on his own island?)

Fall encounter 2009 I showed up at the last minute. I knew that physically I was dead if I did not go. I showed up mad and stayed that way for a while. Saturday night I was dragged out of the service because of a "goodbye" note I left on Facebook. We fought and wrestled a little. Mitch explained that I needed to let go of the bitterness and let God heal me but I had the choice. We sat there for almost 45 minutes before I could pray through it. I saw Satan pulling my heart out of my chest and it was almost complete and then Jesus came through and took it back. It was a violent tug of war and I was almost pulling for the darkness. Long story short I prayed through the bitterness and received healing.

Three months later after that violent encounter I reported to Mitch that I would not be coming back to church. I was done. I ended up in a meeting with Rick and Mitch in March of this year. I explained that I was done. Here was what was happening.
-For some unknown reason DP C'burg was almost dead to me (not in a negative sense as I explained to Rick I saw a huge, massive fruit tree in Christiansburg sanctuary but I was not allowed to eat of the fruit)
-Every single spirit that walked into the building I was feeling. If someone was depressed I was became depressed, if someone was happy so was I, so I had over 400 spirits/emotions crawling all over me Sunday's sucked (I have since repented and have educated myself concerning this and have even asked God to bless me with a chance to do it again now that I understand Rick and Mitch both said intercede for each spirit - rebellion because I didn't but again have prayed through that issue)

Rick was perplexed because I was not bitter or rebellious I was just confused and lost. He said it is like trying to find car keys we needed to go back to the last place we had them and then he asked when was the last time I was happy? Smith Mountain Lake. Rick asked Shelly and I to go back there and see what God was doing and here we are.

After three years I am much stronger and better able to serve the body in SML. Three years ago would have been a fiasco. There is security in authority. So what is God doing? Not too sure all I know is that we are now a part of DP Lake and we are going to continue to seek the Father's heart first because really isn't that what it is all about? Relationship with Jesus will reveal the Father's heart in my life.

It has been a crazy five years. We have indeed seen our shares of ups and downs. The things I know moving forward are God is for me not against, Jesus is more real than the air I breathe, and He is NEVER giving up on me.