Doubts Echo

Shel and I were talking the other night and the subject came up that if we were to file our taxes right now I have not cleared $3,000 for the year. Yes, that is three thousand I did not forget another zero.

This is a conversation that I have had with her as Shelly has usually been the bread winner for most of the past three years. There was a point where I was contributing to the cause in a substantial way but those have seemed to taper off.

Some things that I have walked through in this process are picking up verbal curses from times past, feeling of guilt and shame, depression and doubt.

The verbal curses have been around for some time. My grandfather often said that I would never make anything of my life, my ex-wife, after leaving me, told her mother that I was a worthless drunk and that I was lazy and would never amount to much.

Then take in to consideration the judgments that I made toward my dad who is a chicken farmer down in North Carolina - you know the "I am not going to be like my dad, I am going to get an education and secure a retirement for myself etc etc etc" add it all up and there were some curses and judgments that I needed to pray through.

Another thing that is happening in this season is walking out a word that has placed on the inside of me. Long story short I was able to hold a men's camp meeting where God had placed it on my heart that we needed to be working in the areas that God had placed it on our hearts to work and not where the world said we needed to be working.

An example of this was the decision that I made, based on a word from God with confirmation of scripture, to walk out of one of the highest paying manufacturing jobs in the New River Valley to begin building houses. I walked away taking a 50% pay cut. This freed more of my time up for ministry, family, and restored a peace that had been missing for some time.

If God knows the plans that He has for us shouldn't we be talking with Him to get the information of where we are supposed to be going to work?

So after speaking that to the men there came a testing phase that currently is in its third year for me personally. During this time I have framed houses, worked on the river, worked as a Technology Analyst for a DoD contractor, back to the river, and a manufacturing job just to keep the lights on.

The nights laying awake wondering where the money was going to come from, the echoes of doubt that I had made the wrong decision to leave the arsenal (the high paying manufacturing job) and the time that I placed my hope in a job (Technology Analyst) and the bitterness that ensued from the realization that I was not ready for that position have left me more mature. Most importantly this time has revealed to me the nature and character of who my heavenly Father is.

On a side note the job as a the Technology Analyst was a great position for me to learn. Not about the job but about me. For one the long days just trying to get up to speed to perform my job mixed with the stress of working in the clients office to make a good pay check showed me what the pursuit of money was going to cost. When the cards are on the table I am glad that I did not stay. I am not willing to put in 60+ hour weeks to be "successful". Leaves little quiet time and no family time and was not for me. Some people can handle it with ease. I am not one of those people.

The doubts resound through me. The depression creeps in. I made wrong decisions. I have spoken out against the ways of the world only to be tested. Yet this is what I have learned in the area of finances and jobs. A breakthrough does not mean I have that new job and a breakthrough does not mean that my finances are all taken care of. To me breakthrough is a fresh revelation and perspective on another aspect of my Father's love for me.

During this time I have learned that my Father is indeed gentle in His love for me. That was important because I was not allowing myself any mercy and grace during this time. Another concept that was revealed to me during this time is the fact that with the same measure that I judge myself is the same measure that the Father must judge me. So I am learning to give myself mercy and grace during this time and this season.

If I did mess things up SO WHAT? Romans 8:28

28And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

Does that make things any easier when the doubt creeps back in? Nope. But I do take solace in 2 Samuel 22:

31 As for God His way is blameless; The word of the Lord is tested

or

29 For Thou art my lamp, O Lord; And the Lord illumines my darkness

and lastly

33 God is my strong fortress; And He sets the blameless in His way
34 He makes my feet like hinds feet And sets me on my high places
35 He trains my hands for battle So that my arms can bend a bow of bronze
36 Thou hast also given me the shield of Thy salvation And Thy help makes me great

The Father has a plan for me.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.

And when those doubts echo I smile now. For I understand that it isn't about the world, it isn't about me, it is about what the Father is doing and where He is placing me. And that is a pretty safe place.